the night how it seems a great part of my life revolves around filling in the
holes that are constantly appearing in the household. Just when the TP runs low,
so do the diaper wipes and one of the three sizes of diapers on hand. Run to the
store and try to get everything needed, then in a week's time no more milk in
the house or the shampoo's about out. In addition to the needs there are a whole
host of nice things that would make life better and I have constant lists on
multitudinous sticky notes for more "things" next time we get out.
then of course, add in six summer cottages, you just have all kinds of
checklists of "needs" running, and other checklists of all the things you want
to do, or want your hubby to do (in addition to his own checklists etc.).
Add to this the whirlwind of keeping up with resort deposits,
reservations, emails, phone calls, printing of brochures, fliers, welcome signs,
runs to the bank, rewriting mistakes on lengthy deposit tickets, ordering
history books, taking children to lakes, streams for frog-catching, cooking
meals and keeping about 20 loads of laundry going a week (not counting resort
laundry, which Grandma helps with), it is a busy place around here!
then you throw in a little thing like rearranging the house due to moving
downstairs for the winter, and the carefully balanced set of needs becomes one
huge need for order in the midst of a mountain of responsibility that threatens
to be a crumbling mountain of mixed up paperwork and unhappy children and grumpy
parents, or maybe just grumpy Mama.
In light of LIFE, I have been
contemplating some re-evaulations, which I hope I will follow through with.
Brought to tears this week reading of my sister's work in Africa, I was struck
with sadness over the death of one of the babes she helps love at an orphanage
near her home in Kenya. I look at my own plump Anders, thriving and already
rolling and scooching all over the place at 4 months, who gets so much love, and
my heart lurches at the thought of these little ones far away with so many
I am hoping to save up some extra money to send over there.
Anyone want to help me? Kim is setting up a project fund for help. $50 a month
will buy them 890 bananas, or hire another person to work there full time 10
days a month (or did Kim say 20?)
So yesterday as we pulled into
Walmart I took out my checklists and looked at my needs and crossed a few items
off that I could do without. I've decided I want to work toward not having all
the holes filled in in my life. In addition to wanting to help out Kim and her
big heart and love for these little tykes, I see such a need to create a need in
my own life.
I don't want to have it all together. I don't want my
children to have everything they need. I want to live with a vacuum that can
only be filled by the Lord and hard work. If my girls don't have something, I
want them to grow up and remember their life as being FUN, filled with hard
work, and a little bit of stretching that last potato. I want them to remember
lean times, and times where they made their own fun and turned to the woods to
build forts and learned to be excited over a new dress or toy once in a
I'm sure not there yet. I love to make a good household that
functions and I love to make it perfect, but I also feel a great need to create
Ask me in a few years how I've done. I think this will be
something I'll be working on slowly. Lately I have felt so old and tired. By
midday my back hurts and I'm exhausted and often all three little ones seem to
need me at the same time. I need wisdom on how to juggle it all and how to know
how to deal with the constant nagging guilt of spending too much time on the
business end wondering how much time I should give my children. Yet the business
is our bread and Steve and I run it together. And I REALLY ENJOY the challenge
and creativity of helping run it.
These tight days are gloriously filled
with fun, hard work, but I need to accept that some needs I just won't be able
to fill. And somehow I need to remember that creating a need or just letting a
need continually exist in one department, might be the vacuum in my soul that
draws me closer to the Lord.
Enough rambling--back to bed. If you've
made it this far, thank you for listening to a mother's heart. Goodnight